Darci and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Today was definitely one of the worst days I’ve ever had.

First, I found out that I wasn’t promoted at the wellness center, even though I’ve worked there for two years, which is longer than anyone else that’s been promoted.

And, as if that wasn’t awesome enough news, mere hours later, I found out that I didn’t get the internship with USA Swimming.

Actually, I got that phone call before I got to work, but missed it and didn’t listen to the voicemail until after work. And let me tell you, THANK GOD I waited to listen to it. I saw that I’d missed a call from an unknown number, and figured it was either really awesome news or really craptastic news. Either way, I thought it would make me really desperate to not be at work anymore.

It’s like my subconscious knew something I didn’t.

I handled it pretty well at first. I listened to it in the atrium of the wellness center, where Ernesto happened to find me literally as I was putting my phone to my ear. I cursed a few times, and was understandably mad – I decided not to stay and work out, and left to go back to my room and call my mom instead.

That’s when I got really upset. I think talking about it and realizing “oh, so now I’m back to wasting my life for three months this summer” did it, but it finally hit me. I kept it together until I got to my room, thankfully. As much as I just wanted to lie in bed and be miserable, I tried to distract myself.

But then my dad called, and that plan was ruined. He was really supportive and giving me advice, and said that now I have to go into attack mode and not abandon ship. The whole time, I was thinking "but I don’t want to go into attack mode. I just want to curl up in bed and cry."

So I did.

Yeah, I cried. I’m a big girl, I can admit it. I climbed into bed and cried. Funny, two days ago I was wondering when the last time I cried was.

I actually think I might’ve fallen asleep for a little bit. Great, I cried myself to sleep. I feel kind of pathetic.

And now I’m tearing up just thinking about it! Geez, STOP IT!

*Deep breaths*

I’m just so damn sick of feeling like I’m not good enough for anything. I know I’m talented, I know I work really hard, and I know I’d be a good employee. So why did I apply for over 15 internships and get zero offers? Why do I keep putting in SO MUCH work and getting nothing out of it?

Everyone keeps telling me to keep hoping, keep trying, that something will turn up. Yeah? Hear those crickets chirping? Those are all the internship offers that I’m NOT getting. I know people interning for AEG Live, Nike, and the Cannes Film Festival, but I can’t even get a “no thanks” email from a local newspaper and might have to spend my summer working some lame minimum-wage job.

Awesome.

Sorry, I’m bitter. I was in a much better place ten minutes ago, but writing about it kind of brought me back to my dark place.

I’ll figure something out. I’ll probably end up monetizing my blog. Maybe I’ll do some freelance writing for a blogging website too. Maybe I’ll find some good books to read. Maybe I’ll go for walks and take nice pictures like I did a few summers ago.

Too bad the thought of all that nice stuff makes me miserable. I need experience in the field if I ever want to get a job, but I need a job to get that experience before I can get a job. How do I win in that cycle?

My parents told me to go to Toppel and ask them what I should do – “Hi, I suck and got rejected from every internship I applied for. What does a failure like me do now?”

Reeeeeeeally looking forward to THAT conversation.

…Okay, maybe I’m not a failure. But it’d be nice if someone I send my resume to would tell me that. Hearing it from family and friends is great, but I’d like to hear it from someone who’s not obligated to say it, ya know?

I just have to keep telling myself that there’s a reason this is happening. Maybe I’ll get my dream internship next summer, or I’ll have the best summer of my life and I’ll be thanking my lucky stars I wasn’t in Colorado.

Speaking of which, I was listening to Good Life by OneRepublic earlier today. It’s one of my favorite songs, but all I could pay attention to was the line “To my friends in New York I say hello/My friends in LA, they don’t know/Where I’ve been for the last few years or so/Paris to China to Colorado” – and I wanted to chuck my iPod through the window.

Right now, I think I’ll watch some Castle highlights. I can’t even watch the last episode to make myself feel better, because it was all about an Olympic hopeful swimmer. I’ll have to harken back to the days when Josh was in Africa, and Castle and Beckett were making out, saying things like “always,” and calling each other by their first names.

Tomorrow I’m volunteering at the track meet. Hopefully I’ll meet Coach Deem and have something at least mildly positive and/or exciting to write about.

But until then, some positive words and thoughts would be really appreciated. (And thanks for those I’ve already gotten. I’m really lucky to have some amazing people in my life.)