Perfectionism and Ugly Days

Hi, I'm Darci, and I'm a perfectionist.

I wanted to write a blog post tonight -- because it's the end of the month and apparently my new thing is squeezing a blog post in right at the end of every month, and I didn't want to let May pass without blogging a single time -- and I was struggling so much with it. I didn't have any good ideas. Eventually I sort of settled on writing a "life lately" post, but I couldn't even force myself to start writing it. I sat around all day avoiding Blogger and dreading it.

Why? At first I thought it was because I worked a lot this weekend and was just feeling lazy, which, okay, is definitely part of the reason. But when I thought about it a little more I realized it's because a "life lately" post felt... so weak. When I used to blog three times a week, running out of inspiration every now and then and needing the crutch of an easy post once in awhile made sense. But now I blog once every four weeks! I shouldn't be this stumped! I should have something to say after not blogging for four weeks, I shouldn't need to cobble something together that's lame and unimportant and not all that interesting!

But THEN I thought... why does it matter? This is my blog. I should just do whatever I want with it. I don't need to be perfect every time I post something. I'm not making money off of this, so does it matter whether or not I impress anyone? NO! It doesn't matter! I started blogging because I felt like it, and continued because I enjoy doing it. If I want to write a freaking "life lately" post, and if that's all my wrung-out brain can come up with, that's what I should write! Who cares?!

Answer: me. I care. I'm a perfectionist. If I can't do something well, I will often be loath to do it at all. I'm like this with my blog. I'm like this at work. I'm like this with completely unimportant things like makeup or drawing or doing literally anything. If I won't be able to completely knock a task out of the park, I have to literally force myself to even start it. I am paralyzed by perfectionism. And that's absurd.

So my goal going forward is to be kinder to myself. This summer is about to be INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE -- and not like "woo party!" insane, but like, "I might work 100 hours this week" insane -- and I'm not going to have the time or the energy to beat myself up about... anything, really. My last boss would give me permission to have an "ugly day," i.e. to totally suck at whatever I was doing, to take some of the pressure off, and I need to start doing that for myself. I'm gonna have some ugly days. My first draft of a project at work might be super lame. My blog post might be nothing substantial. But I'm not going to accomplish anything or ever get better if I'm stuck trying to do everything perfectly.

And look at that. My struggles ended up solving the problem I was struggling with in the first place. Ain't that something?

Anyway, that's all from me for now. Hope everyone's been doing well. Give yourself permission to have a few ugly days once in awhile. :)